So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD