It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
🤣dope
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.