*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
You Might Also Like
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”