Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
You Might Also Like
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.