I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
me and who
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”