Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow