[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys