Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
just pretend nothing happened
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Penguins walking in 5x speed
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.