I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
this is so top tier i cant
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.