Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.