In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.