my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
You Might Also Like
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.