Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.