I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
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Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire