[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
@ candidates for local office
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
rise and shine we got egg
Love this one 😂🧟
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
We’ve all been there
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis