Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.