I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism