[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*