it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.