JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
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Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Just me and my debit card against the world
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
any last words?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku