My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.