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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.