“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”