me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.