Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate