My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?