am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.