The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”