I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
#ProTip
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?