Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Britain be like
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.