[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
This guy’s not having it 😆
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.