A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
peak technology
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude