I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.