I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
You Might Also Like
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten