My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”