My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
#gardening
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.