Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
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back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.