If only
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya