[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
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In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today