When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
You Might Also Like
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
They got Raph!
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds