Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends