I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.