Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds