*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women