It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.