So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener