Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
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Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
White Castle for the Win
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.