I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.