A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
notice
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.