Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
File under excellent bookstore names.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.